


A day in the life of - oh, who fucking cares!?

by joxnerd



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TV 2012)
Genre: BAMF Donatello, Donatello (TMNT) Needs a Hug, Donnie centric, Donnie is not excused for how he treats Mikey though, Dysfunctional Family, Hurt Donatello (TMNT), Insomnia, Insomniac Donatello, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Third Person Omniscient, The A Team is lowkey abusive and I touch on this a lot, The B Team (TMNT), There's so much terrible shit that happens to them how are they okay, They All Have their own issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:00:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28165884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joxnerd/pseuds/joxnerd
Summary: But sleep was a luxury he couldn’t afford. Not now. Not ever.-They thought life was difficult before, but add in insomnia, constant fighting, a crush that could cause a rift in the team, the realization that Mikey and Donnie are constantly getting abused by their older brothers, and a new hidden talent that two of the brothers could possibly master.
Relationships: At the moment - Relationship, No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	A day in the life of - oh, who fucking cares!?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But now...it just made him sad. It made him feel useless. Those voices in his head saying those things just needed to shut the everloving fu-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's my pleasure to finally post a fanfiction that has more than 1000 words in its first chapter. Yay!
> 
> Note that most things in parenthesis are Donnie's thoughts, and not author notes.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this first chapter!

The lights were flickering, blinking. Rapidly. Great. Just another thing he would have to fix.

He pulled out a notebook (because he could, he was far too tired to remember all of the things he still had to do), and added it to the list. Actually, he would probably have to get to it really soon. Better move it up to the top. He needed the lights of the lab to continue working.

But then the lights stopped flickering. And nearly a minute later, resumed doing the exact same thing.

Donnie blinked. Then blinked again.

_What?_

He rubbed at his eyes, and blinked a couple more times. He slowly brought his hands away from his face (he knows it was unsanitary, gosh of course he knew, it wasn’t like he reminded himself of it over and over and over again, especially when he really needed to be focusing on other things, like training, or a mission, or lord knows the things on his list-)

He couldn’t see. Had they gone out? That was logically the next step in the way things were going, but he swore one second ago that it had stopped and that it was fine. The light bulbs hadn’t shown signs of dying until 5 minutes ago, and all of them at once? That was odd.

Donnie lowered his head into his hands, and took a deep breath.

Please no more. Please. No more of anything. No more lights flickering, no more projects, no more voices in his head reminding him of things he didn’t need to remember just then, and especially not of his list. Soon to be lists, if he couldn’t just speed everything up.

He let out a loud, throat heavy sigh. It turned towards a growl at the end.

He shut his eyes as tight as he could, and pushed himself up from his desk.

The lights were back on. When? How?

He was losing it.

~~

He checked the security cameras later.

The lights had never swayed, never strayed from the task they had been assigned to do (unlike him, like he always did somehow.)

The lights had never flickered, and had certainly not died out.

~~

It was late. All of the lights were off in their home, every single one. Well, not counting Donnie’s lab, but he was pretty sure no one did. They were a constant.

It would have been bad if they had gone out. But maybe what was just as bad was that Donnie had seen them go out. But they hadn’t.

He was losing his mind.

And he didn’t understand that. How he could have been. He was young, and intelligent, and always at the top of his game. He had to be. Or he would be in deep trouble, and he didn’t want that, now did he? Nobody did.

So how could he be losing his mind, he asked, yawning as his bloodshot eyes finally got a chance to close, taking a long sip from his coffee mug.

~~

It was dead silent. He had returned to his sanctuary - his sanctuary and prison - and resumed his latest project. Mikey had been having problems with his T-phone, and Donnie was in a hurry to return it to him. He had other things to do, but Mikey had been persistent. Mikey had gotten on him, and then Leo had gotten on him (something about “Mikey not having a way to contact them if he was in danger”) and then Raph had screamed at them all to shut up.

So he had pushed all of his other projects (and there had been many, many of them, plenty that Leo constantly was on Donnie about finishing, truthfully, they were **all** rushing him to get them done) to the back of his mind. Moved this one little thing to the top, pushed all the other equally as important (and some ~~probably~~ definitely more important) projects to the bottom. Of, and you guessed it, his list.

Which also had become two lists. Because of course it had. It was just his luck, too.

He had his screwdriver in hand, using it to tap at all the wires. How much had his younger brother fucked up his phone? What had Mikey done?

He groaned in frustration, and took a large sip from his mug. But, he was met with nothing. Great, just great. Amazing. Peachy.

He placed the phone down (a lot harder than he had meant too), and willed his legs to carry him to the kitchen. Mug in hand, he focused on walking one step in front of the other. If he could just make it, make it to the caffeinated drink, he would be safe. He would be able to poison himself, drown himself in a drink that would altogether make everything worse. And of course he knew the effects the drink would have in the long run. He had spent countless hours of research on that as well, because he was worried about himself. He. He was. Not anyone else.

Just as he was about to give up, just as he was about to let his legs fail him and end up on the ground...he had made it. He had made it, and it was sad that caused a swell of pride to well up in him. That, but not everything else he had accomplished.

Sure, he had felt proud of himself in the beginning. For creating a stable food source for them, and making sure the lair had all the appliances it needed working. Back when he was young; too young to be assigned that role. The role that had never left.

But now...he didn’t exactly know why it was different. He was overworked, exhausted. Possibly - scratch that, absolutely - addicted to caffeine, coffee specifically, but it was the only way to keep him awake and not grumpy.

He didn’t really get that much appreciation for what he did, but had he ever. Donnie didn’t think that was what was different now, but there was always a possibility. There was always a possibility for certain things to happen. In every subject. In every situation. Even when you think something’s impossible, turns out it’s actually improbable.

Donnie had never been one to actively seek out praise. Yeah, he liked to be praised, but so did everyone. Maybe he subconsciously wanted the praise and that was why he wasn’t happy anymore with his assigned role? Eh, who knows? He might just contradict himself here and say **that** is actually impossible.

~~

Donnie didn’t stop working until he had finished that project. And then he proceeded to do more. Sleeping and taking breaks was time wasted. And it wasn’t like anyone else was there to stop him or to make sure he wasn’t fucking himself up even more.

~~

Sucked for him, because next morning they had an early training session.

~~

Leo had asked Master Splinter if he could lead early morning training, and he had been granted that honor.

Now, he stood facing his three younger brothers who were awaiting what he was going to ask of them.

And what he said didn’t surprise them whatsoever.

“We will meditate, followed by a free-for-all.”

Donnie sighed. How likely was it that he would fall asleep while they meditated?

They all approached the blue clad turtle, who had been standing close to the tree in the dojo, and dropped to their knees. Splinter looked on, a proud smile gracing his features.

Leo easily drifted into a meditative state. It was always a question as to who would next. Depended on the day. Mikey got easily bored, Raph didn’t even care to try, and Donnie just couldn’t stop thinking. He never could. 

Meditation is similar to sleeping in that way. You have to focus on one specific thought, and you can’t let your mind wander. No wonder Donnie sucked at both.

Leo was alone in his meditative state for some time, before being joined by Mikey. Donnie had no idea how he ha- and there he went. Another stupid, annoying thought had accompanied its brethren.

Donnie took a deep breath in. Focus on something positive right now. That was another good way to get into a meditative state. Thinking of one thing, but the one thing being something positive.

He was positive this was pointless and he would never be able to do it.

He was positive he was going insane.

He was positive he was just procrastinating.

He was positive-

Okay, no more “thinking positive.”

Let’s think of something actually positive, instead of wasting time and hoping this ends soon.

Something positive...hmm...

He hadn’t fallen asleep during these last hard minutes. That was good. Actually, that was amazing.

But at the same time...

Not good. There was always a negative to every positive.

He really couldn’t sleep. Donnie couldn’t fall asleep while they were meditating, meditating for far longer than they should be. When he finally gets a break.

Damn. That was not good.

And now he was back to the negative talk. God, why couldn’t he just not be pessimistic for once in his life and...and actually be optimistic?

Mikey was always the optimist, Leo would usually be a realist, but if he wasn’t, he was also an optimist. Raph was similar to Donnie as he was a pessimist. Something may seem good, but it’s probably too good to be true.

Sometimes, Donnie likes that he’s a pessimist. If he’s thinking something will go wrong (and preparing for it as well) and the something does go wrong, he was ready for it. If it doesn’t go wrong and they win, he gets a pleasant surprise.

But now...it just made him sad. It made him feel useless. Those voices in his head saying those things just needed to shut the everloving fu-

Donnie could feel some kind of disturbance in the air. He peeked his eye open, and...

Wow. This was perfect. Truly perfect.

Raph had joined Donnie’s two other brother’s in their meditative state.

So now he was the odd one out.

Wasn’t that just great?

Splinter would probably notice soon and lecture him on the importance of meditation. Actually, what was Splinter doing right now?

Donnie took a risk and opened his other eye. To the left of Leonardo, Splinter was sat down on his knees. Donnie could tell he was in the same state his brothers were in. New York. Okay, now was not the time to make terrible jokes. 

But Splinter **was** meditating along with his brothers, and Donnie...didn’t know how to feel about that.

he couldn’t fail

he couldn’t 

usually leo would say things like that, being the leader and wanting to be able to lead them and guide them through things they weren’t good at

but

but

this time, it was donnie

he didn’t want to be left behind

he couldn’t and he won’t

he just had to push himself a little bit harder

not too difficult

he could still succeed

he would not fail

he would not

he couldn’t

he couldn’t make any more mistakes

he wouldn’t be a failure anymore

he would make them proud

even if it was by something as simple as meditating, which they had done countless times

time and time again

why wasn’t he good at it yet?

why?

he just didn’t understand, they had been meditating for years, so so many years, and leo had always been excellent at it, and donnie, raph, and mikey weren’t as good as him, that was how things went, but they had meditated so much and they still did, why weren’t they good at it now, why, why was raph and mikey so much better at it than him, it didn’t make sense, why, why, why, why

why were they meditating for so long

how long had they been meditating 

it’s been so long 

was this real

was he hallucinating again

no

please no

no no no no no no no no

~~

It felt like hours had passed while they (his brothers and father only, but they didn’t have to know that, and they wouldn’t, because they were focused on their meditation and only their meditation) meditated, but it had only been around one hour.

Leo broke out of his meditative trance (seemed a lot more like a weird trance than a state to Donnie) and told them that they were done meditating. Somehow that got through to the meditating turtles (but not Donnie’s struggle, although that was probably hard for his brothers to realize, his father was always good at telling when someone was having a hard time meditating, but Master Splinter was the farthest away from the purple-banded turtle).

The group collected their weapons, practiced with them a bit (getting a feel for them since last night), did some stretches as a warm up, and then turned to face each other.

And so they began.

If Donnie was being honest, this was the part he was worried about the most.

He felt as if they would all go after him for some reason.

Even though it was a free for all, they ended up in pairings that they often were in for sparring. Leonardo v.s. Michelangelo and Raphael v.s. Donatello.

Mikey tried to catch Leo off guard, but failed miserably. Leo had expected the attack, grabbed the nunchuck, and attempted to pull his younger brother down to the ground. But Mikey fought back, and wrenched the weapon out of his leaders hand.

Donnie couldn’t really pay anymore attention as to what was going on over there, because he needed to focus on his own opponent. Donnie was making jabs at Raph with his staff. Raph fended a couple off, but some still hit their mark.

Raph charged forward the second Donnie’s staff wasn’t in his way, and went in for Donnie’s torso. Donnie jumped back, and used his staff as a shield, spinning it around while Raph tried to knock it out of his hands with his sai.

Raph was saying something, but Donnie wasn’t paying attention. It faded into background noise.

Donnie could see he was wearing Raph out. He stopped spinning the staff, and aimed a kick to Raph’s side. Donnie was surprised when his leg was grabbed and he was flipped over. But he wasn’t done yet. He made sure he didn’t fall by doing a backflip (blame Mikey).

Raph was on him again with his sais. He had moved so quickly. Donnie took a few steps back to evaluate his opponent, and then a plan formed in his head. He smiled.

Donnie just went for a simple wack to the head. Merely brought his staff down on top of his older brother’s head. Raph hadn’t expected that, perhaps because it wasn’t the most ninja-like of moves or maybe because he thought Donnie wouldn’t use a cheap tactic like that.

Raph clutched his head for a few short seconds, before he seemed to realize they were still battling. Just in time too, as he blocked a jab from Donnie.

Donnie managed to make out one sentence of what Raph was saying. “This spars gone on a lot longer than any of our others.”

Good. Donnie wasn’t weak, and wanted to let Raph know that. He’d like to let Leo (and maybe even Mikey, honestly) know that as well. If Splinter was the father that he should have been, he probably already would have known, but perhaps Donnie would have to show him as well.

Donnie saw something come at him from the right side; he thought that maybe Mikey or Leo or whoever had won their spar had decided to surprise attack him. He stopped blocking Raph’s sais with his bō, and raised it into the air to protect him from whatever was coming.

Nothing was there. But...he could have sworn. He must have been hallucinating again, and in battle. Seriously. Not. The. Best. Time.

He turned back around to Raph, and was met with a weird look. So Raph had seen Donnie block nothing. That wasn’t embarrassing in the slightest.

There was a second pause, before they resumed what they had started.

After Donnie tried a few more jabs, Raph nearly got a hold of his staff. He knew from past experience that if Raph grabbed his staff from his hands, that he would snap it in half. So it was a good thing Raph hadn’t gotten it. He complained about the bō staff a lot, but it was better than no weapon at all.

Donnie really wanted to use his naginata blade, but he knew it was against the rules. They could give their challenger bruises, but making them bleed was something they cared to avoid. At least, during training with Splinter in the room. If later on, two of them entered the dojo to spar in their free time (most likely being Raphael and Leonardo), then they could bleed and cause harm with their sharp weapons. But not now.

There were slip ups, and sometimes they were allowed to. Not today though, as Leo was leading it for the first time.

So that was a no-go on the nagainata blade. Donnie could only use his ol’ reliable bō staff.

Donnie somehow managed to knock a sai out of Raph’s hand, and did his best to block Raph from getting it back. Donnie could feel the frustration rolling off of Raph in waves; his white eyes narrowed. His fist was clenched tight on his remaining sai. He was growling.

Donatello knew that he had made a mistake.

It happened so fast, Donnie couldn’t comprehend it. He had been blocking Raph’s remaining sai one second, and kneeled over on the ground the next. He held his arm as close to his side as his turtle body allowed him, a burning feeling generating from those areas.

It was hard to breath, yet he was hyperventilating. 

God, he hated this feeling. 

There was too much going on in his brain, he couldn’t focus on one thought. It was too much. Too bright, too painful. 

_What had happened?_

_How had it happened so fast?_

_Where was everyone?_

...

_Where was Raphael?_

Donnie looked around the room. Mikey and Leo were still fighting, Splinter focused on them at the moment. Donnie looked over to the turtle facing him. Raph stood towering over Donnie (as he was on the ground, usually Donnie would be the one to tower over Raph), sai held tightly in his grip. His eyes were white and empty; the sai wasn’t coated with his blood, but it looked that way to Donnie.

He needed to get up. Now. It was only two cuts (and although Donnie didn’t know how large they were, he’d find out later). In battles against Shredder and his henchmen, he’d get more than that. It didn’t even matter that it was Raph that had done it. That’s what he kept telling himself.

He slowly forced himself to his feet. A smirk appeared on his brother’s face.

Donnie had never seen Raph like this. Bloodthirsty. Rarely would he get like this around villains, wanting them to bleed, wanting them to die. He liked the fight, and would prefer for them to live so they could battle again.

Honestly...this Raph terrified Donnie.

With his staff in his hand, he faced his brother once more.

How had Splinter not seen what had just happened?

There was always the possibility that he had been watching Raph and Donnie spar before Raph had struck him, and then had switched to watch his other two brothers. Thus, missing Raph’s illegal move. Or maybe he just didn’t care. Or maybe he had spent the whole time watching Leonardo. Eh.

Raph had both of his sais back. Must have got it while Donnie was down.

Donnie’s first instinct was to take a step back, and that was what he did. Raph sneered at him as he did it. Challenging him. It was like he was saying, “Gonna run away or give up, like you always do.” That made Donnie mad. He grit his teeth. 

Well, looked like the fight was about to get real.

Donnie unleashed his naginata blade.

Fuck the rules.

~~

It was all a blur. All Donnie knew was that he was fighting for survival. Maybe he was being a bit dramatic, but he hadn’t cared at the time.

It was like a routine. But sometimes, the routine had to be switched up.

They went back and forth on who was on offense and who was on defense.

Deflect. Strike. Strategize. Dodge. Strike. 

It went like that; similar to that. Throughout the battle, the order would be switched in and new things would be added. 

They were machines. 

It was elegant. The way they fought was what it would look like if angels were to fight. The two of them fought for the fun of it. They seemed to be causing no harm, yet inflicting tons at the same time.

Donnie found out later on that Mikey and Leo had paused their sparring to watch, and Master Splinter had turned his attention to the two of them.

He had no idea how long they had sparred, and why Splinter had never stopped them. Even when it seemed like they had tired out, they had kept fighting.

-

> _It was a fight to the death. I angered him, and now he’s gonna kill me. I had knocked that stupid sai out of his hand, and now he was gonna make me pay._

-

> _Why wasn’t he going down? He always went down. He would basically give up whenever we sparred. I’d grab that pitiful stick out of his hand and snap it in half._
> 
> _Why._
> 
> _Wasn’t._
> 
> _He._
> 
> _Going._
> 
> _Down?_

-

And then...

There had been a sai shoved in his face; a foot on his torso. His side and arm weren’t the only things aching.

He had come to, out of whatever mindset he had been in. It was fuzzy, and he couldn’t quite remember.

The foot pressed harder and he let out a small whimper. One that only him and his attacker could hear. 

Raph’s white eyes vanished and were replaced by familiar emerald green. He lowered his sai, placed both of them back in his holster, and stepped off of his younger brother.

Donatello didn’t take the hand that was offered to him by Raphael.

He got up by himself, and tried to not show weakness. To not let anyone know how many injuries he had gained. He could see that Raph was doing the same. They had been ruthless in their fighting. No mercy.

Splinter had always taught them to show mercy.

That was only one of his teachings that they had dismissed in their battle.

Where was Splinter?

Where were his brothers?

Donnie turned away from Raph and found his brothers and Sensei staring at them. They each wore different expressions.

Splinter’s was the hardest to guise, which Donnie had expected. But he could guess that his father was most likely disappointed in him and his older brother. They hadn’t used his teachings, and had distracted their other two brothers as well. But maybe, under all of that, he would be proud?

They _had_ fought like ninjas, and used stealth and other such things to their advantage.

Mikey and Leo had similar expressions. Both of their mouths were wide open in surprise. Although Leo’s expression showed something else along with it, but Donnie hadn’t known what at the time.

Donnie slowly approached his family, using all his strength to keep his face straight and his movements without wobble.

No one said a word. He could tell Mikey really, really wanted to say something; even he kept his mouth shut. It was eerie and didn’t feel right. As much and as often as Donnie would complain about noise levels, he didn’t like there being complete and utter silence.

Donnie stared at his father, younger brother, and oldest brother. They stared back. He could feel his older brother behind him, but couldn’t tell what he was doing.

With his bō staff in hand, Donnie left. He marched past everyone, and then and only then did he finally lower his third eyelids.

That ought to show them.


End file.
